Standing Outside the Fire
by Miotis Kain
Summary: Another songfic. This one's with Krelian and Ramsus. They contemplate themselves and each other as creator and creation. And NO it's not a SLASH!


**Standing Outside the Fire**

By, Miotis Kain

_We call them cool _

_Those hearts that have no scars to show _

_The ones that never do let go _

_And risk the tables being turned_

I finish reading the report, and turn off the screen; its contents did little to improve my mood. I keep my back turned, even as I address the subject of my scorn. "I had thought your inadequacies proven three years ago. So tell me: when you are so obviously incapable of competing with his power, why do you insist on fighting the Contact? Do you still cling to the delusion that you may one day be able to defeat him? Or perhaps you revel in repeated humiliation? Come, Ramsus. Tell me the reason why you stayed to be whipped like a dog, instead of calling a retreat in order to conserve Solaris's valuable military resources.' 

A sharp intake of breath from behind me. I can almost feel the hatred burning in his eyes. "If Miang hadn't carried me off¼" 

"If Miang hadn't carried you off," I interrupt, "then you would have gotten her killed along with yourself. It was difficult enough to repair the damage done during your first encounter with him. I doubt I can find the patience or the time to do it again." I let out a conservative sigh, a rare show of emotion that I spare for Kahran alone. "Frankly, I'm beginning to regret doing it in the first place." I absently wave a hand over my shoulder. "Go. Go back to your mission. And take the Elements with you. If you can't get the job done, then maybe they can." 

I listen for the hydraulic hiss of the door, signaling to me that he has gone. Only then do I allow myself to acknowledge my true thoughts. 

_We call them fools _

_Who have to dance within the flame _

_Who chance the sorrow and the shame _

_That always comes with getting burned_

_But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire _

_'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire_

I stand behind his chair, and wait in silence as he reads my report. I know what's coming. The same thing that happens every time. 

"I had thought your inadequacies proven three years ago. So tell me: when you are so obviously incapable of competing with his power, why do you insist on fighting the Contact? Do you still cling to the delusion that you may one day be able to defeat him? Or perhaps you revel in repeated humiliation? Come, Ramsus. Tell me the reason why you stayed to be whipped like a dog, instead of calling a retreat in order to conserve Solaris's valuable military resources." 

I nearly say something I would regret. But I catch myself, and the words that were going to follow my hiss of indrawn breath die on my lips. How I hate fencing words with Krelian! He always manages to disarm me. 

Well, I had best say something. "If Miang hadn't carried me off..."

"If Miang hadn't carried you off, then you would have gotten her killed along with yourself. It was difficult enough to repair the damage done during your first encounter with him. I doubt I can find the patience or the time to do it again." 

I don't even get to finish my sentences. That's nothing new. I hear him sigh in that way that lets me know the level of his exasperation. Given his regular lack of emotion, the sound is nothing less than a slap in the face. 

"Frankly, I'm beginning to regret doing it in the first place." And now he simply waves me off, as though I were some pestering insect and not the general of his military forces! "Go. Go back to your mission. And take the Elements with you. If you can't get the job done, then maybe they can." 

I wait only a moment before leaving. No one else is in the hall; there rarely is, as Krelian only allows himself to be disturbed from his work when he wishes to be. So, I lean against the wall, and try to cope with the thoughts and emotions that plague me each time I meet with him. 

_We call them strong _

_Those who can face this world alone _

_Who seem to get by on their own _

_Those who will never take the fall_

Why do I always act that way? Why do I always say such things to him? True, he can't compete with the Contact's power, but I'm his creator. It was my mistake. My failure, not his. So, why do I always say the blame is his? 

Is my reprimanding him simply me denying my own shortcomings? Am I only running away from my obligations? ... Was I running when I decided not to keep Kahran with me? 

No. It's best that he grew up without me. I would have made too many mistakes, I'm sure. And that would only have created more problems for him. I know nothing of family, having never had one of my own. What do I know of raising a child? What do I know of paternal devotion? I would have been completely lost. 

I can only imagine what life would have been like had I not repudiated him, had I not allowed him to grow outside my immediate influence. 

Ah, but that's an evasion as well. I'm simply trying to justify my decision to ward off any guilt. But it's still there. Yes, there is a part of me – buried deep inside – that wishes I had kept Ramsus with me, and raised him as my own; there is still a part of me that says letting him go may have been my greatest mistake of all. And there's no way I can run from that. 

_We call them weak _

_Who are unable to resist _

_The slightest chance love might exist _

_And for that forsake it all_

_They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire _

_Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire_

Why did I fight, you asked? 

Why do I do anything? Why did I steal another man's identity so that I could get into Jugend? Why did I work so hard to become the best? Why did I have so many ambitions? Why, Krelian? 

Because if I could only show you that I wasn't a failure – that I wasn't worthless – then maybe you would accept me. Then maybe you would acknowledge me. Then just maybe you would take me back... 

... I don't understand. Why should he matter to me? 

He abandoned me! He created me, and then he threw me away! I was nothing more than a moment's fancy for him. A toy to be discarded when something better came along.

So, why then do I care what he thinks? Why am I striving so hard to gain his approval? Why is it every time I see him, my first impulse is to run away? 

I know why. 

He's my creator. My father. Without him, I'm missing a piece of myself. Without him, I have nowhere to run to. 

_There's this love that is burning _

_Deep in my soul _

_Constantly yearning to get out of control _

_Wanting to fly higher and higher _

_I can't abide standing outside the fire_

Is this all that's left for me? 

I can't be the father he deserves... 

I can't be the son he deserves... 

...so I'll be the commander he despises? 

...so I'll be the soldier he despises? 

In truth, it's all I deserve. 

_Standing outside the fire _

_Standing outside the fire _

_Life is not tried it is merely survived _

_If you're standing outside the fire _

_ ~Garth Brooks _

_ Standing Outside the Fire _


End file.
